The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
You Might Also Like
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face