[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon