Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
How does one answer this?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh