I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.