When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*