People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı