My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.