I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.