The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
#oldknees
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
We’re all getting idioter.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.