Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
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Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”