New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I found your tweet-up…
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you