me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
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My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
cats when you pet them too long:
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No