POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
the three genders
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.