This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
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If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic