They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.