I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
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My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Dating Tips
1.
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3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG