friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
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“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
You learn something every day
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.