[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
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Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
True
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often