ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
#Caturday
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans