kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
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ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Customer is always right
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.