I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
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I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.