A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
the official breakfast of 2021
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.