Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Me if I was a dog
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people