Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much