I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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A wise man once said nothing.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir