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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
i’m still crying at this
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????