“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?