*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
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Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?