I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
You Might Also Like
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.