I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
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[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?