I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?