Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day