why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.