If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
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Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I put the p in pants.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.