Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
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me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I love art.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.