“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
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At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.