Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip