Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same