the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
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I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through