Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
thank god
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.