GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE