I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.