Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Venn
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Good point.
me 2 months after i graduated
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Tuesday
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.