If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
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All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Expect the unexporcupine.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy