ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It鈥檚 an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we鈥檒l probably eventually evolve to fly.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
God: you鈥檙e a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i鈥檓 a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i鈥檓 a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i鈥檓 an itty-bitty vampire!
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.