I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday