As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
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Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Oh hi lol
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH