A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
You Might Also Like
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain