Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
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I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.