[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
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💁🏻♂️
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.